Lost Without You
by Vilfaras
Summary: Very short ficlet based on a picture of Kaidan coping with Shepard's death after the Collector attack. Post ME1,Pre-ME2.


This is a really short ficlet of sorts based on a picture ( vilfaras . tumblr . com/post/23859727065/vilfaras-i-was-lost-without-you-w00t ) I drew recently. I just got into the mood and decided to write something for it.

I'm still learning how to write fics properly without breaking my or other people's brains, and have read this several times to make sure there's no glaring errors (I don't have a beta, sorry, but a friend read through it for me once), so please do forgive any mistakes there are in this fic!

* * *

His room was a mess.

_He_ was a mess.

His life was a_ goddamned mess_.

He knew it, but he couldn't find the motivation to do anything about the dump he'd allow himself to live in, nor the state he'd let himself fester in.

It had been 6 months since the Normandy went down and...

And he couldn't continue that thought.

His mind still refused to accept the truth; that just weeks before that incident, his life was finally taking a turn for the better. It wasn't that life had treated him badly after BAaT, but there had always been the lack of sense of belonging after the drama on Gagarin station.

Shepard made him felt like he'd finally come home.

With a groan, he sat on the corner of his bed heavily and ignored the clink of bottles colliding against each other as his foot struck one of them. Kaidan ran a hand through his hair and he vaguely registered that he needed a shower. He could feel the oil and grime that clung to the strands but yet again, there was no motivation.

There was no Shepard.

What was life before her?

Something glimmered from under the corner of his bed and Kaidan's attention was brought to it. There was a pause of confusion before he leaned forward to pick up the object, and when his mind cleared enough for him to register, he froze.

It was Shepard's dog tag, the one she gave to him before they had set off to do whatever phantom chasing that the Council made her do.

He felt his eyes burn as the memories returned; his inebriated mind cleared slowly.

* * *

_"What's this?" He looked at the dog tag she had placed in his palm, and raised an eyebrow at her when she gave him that _'you-just-asked-the-obvious'_ expression._

_Shepard gave a small chuckle and wrapped an arm around him from behind, her hand caressing his chest lightly. "It's just... I don't know what's going to happen after this. There's not much left to clean up on the Citadel and the Council sure as hell don't need me to stay here to supervise."_

_"They have a new mission for you?" Kaidan tried not to sound disappointed or anxious as he stole a side glance at her. To his relief, Shepard was too focused on the dog tag he held in his hand to notice his expression._

_With a sigh, Shepard buried her face in the curve of his neck and inhaled, her words muffled, "No, but Anderson reckons the Council will have something for me to do." She placed her chin on his shoulder again, "I just thought... Well, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I think brass has probably figured out about us and though they haven't said anything...chances of us assigned together are going to be low."_

_Kaidan felt his heart drop at that. Granted, they were adults and professionals, but the time they'd spent together had been so short and yet so intense, he had just wanted to be selfish for once and be with her._

_He looked at the dog tag again and tried to smile and lighten the mood. "Don't you need this?"_

_She lifted her other arm and hugged him to her. He could almost feel her heartbeat against his back. "It's a duplicate. I...ah... I just..." Shepard huffed at her inability to find the right words. "Just something to keep you company when we're not together."_

_Kaidan's smile was not forced this time round._

"Thank you."

* * *

He could feel the tears flow down his cheeks involuntarily and he made no move to wipe them away. It was liberating in a sense; he'd never been able to shed a tear even at her funeral, having being too numb to feel anything; having too much denial that he refused to let himself feel the grief.

Yet at the sight of her dog tag, after all these months, the tears wouldn't stop.

_Couldn't stop._

God, _he missed her._

As he sobbed quietly in his dark room, illuminated only by the neon signs that hung above his window, he tried to believe; tried to hope, that perhaps in all this mess he allowed himself to sit in, this darkness he allowed himself to rot in, there would be some _hope_ for normalcy to return.

Kaidan pressed his lips lightly against the tag and let it slide off his hand slightly; his eyes shut tightly to stem the tears. He ran the scene in his head over and over again, and when he believed hard enough, he could almost feel her arms around him again; her breath warm against his neck.

One day, maybe.

_Just maybe_.

He could live again.


End file.
